I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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