he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
