My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
