Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize