Only a mothe r could love this liver
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
