Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
