dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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