Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
