I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
