I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I need water and some morals
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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