Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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