I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
