dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
