Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
