the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
