Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
