I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
