Need sex. Gaining weight.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
