I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
