where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
