When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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