he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
