You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
