tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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