...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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