I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
