I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
