At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
