If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
