What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize