So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
