just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
