Even the bartender felt bad for me
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
is that a dick in a sweater?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize