Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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