We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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