someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
is wine microwaveable?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
