Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
