i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
