i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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