Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
did i just pee glitter
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
