and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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