i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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