hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
