she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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