I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
