forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
