But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
