I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm at about main and main street
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
