Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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