Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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