My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
