so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
