I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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