No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
