you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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