What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Randomize
