meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
