they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
