You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I am naked and annoyed.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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