What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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